“Let us never negotiate out of fear. But let us never fear to negotiate.”
John F. Kennedy, 35th President of the United States of America
Blindspots in your budget leads to pain points in your relationship
It’s hard to look your partner in the eye and tell them to spend less. It’s also hard to tell them you need to spend more. It could be reducing the grocery expenses and dining out, or to pay for your child to get into the necessary educational program. Either way, it ain’t easy. That’s why one-third of couples in America named “money as the leading cause of relationship stress.”
To start, you need a budget with buy-in from both partners.You must have a budget even if you maintain two separate accounts, merged plus separate, or totally merged accounts. Follow these seven simple rules to start the conversation and come together, successfully.
Listen first
Before you talk, first listen. Similar to Einstein’s approach to any problem, spend 90% of your time understanding the real problem and 10% on the solution. Same with a conversation with your partner about personal finances.
We often think we’re listening to our partner, but what we’re likely doing is projecting their words and issues while thinking about our response and reasons that our own view is the correct one. Listening is more than just hearing, but also includes the openness to understand your partner’s perspective. So, slow down, truly digest the words, and then think about your response.
This allows for an opportunity to reflect and for your partner to elaborate as necessary. Typically, our partners are like us and have financial ideas and plans rooted in their brains. It’s hardwired in them from their upbringing, and wildly difficult to get them to express them. Allow your partner the time to do so.
Address your most pressing issues, empathetically
You and your partner are likely coming from unfamiliar places. You may have tried to tell them about the issues you care about, but they just can’t process it (see the ‘Listening’ section above). Or, you may not have explicitly told them at all. Start with a level of self-awareness, then turn outward to your partner.
My wife comes from a family where money is to be made, then spent. My family brought me up to earn, then save and keep saving. It’s a nonstop conversation about how to spend our money as a married couple. Still, it’s a conversation and not a fight.
It’s important to be straightforward, but not harsh in conversations about shared money, time, resources and budgets. Furthermore, the areas that don’t matter to you could be of utmost importance to your partner in ways you don’t understand, yet.
On the other hand, your partner could be totally open to your suggestions to cut back in one area, but would otherwise be turned off to accepting your proposal if you come at them too aggressively. Don’t ask too much of them or do so without empathy.
In negotiations, the chilling effect occurs when an offer is so low and possibly so insulting that the other party loses motivation to continue the exercise. You don’t want to chill your partner. Instead, seek to warm them up. Be reasonable and empathetic in addressing your most pressing budget issues, and you can reasonably expect them to respond in kind.
| Aggressive 🙅 | Empathetic 👌 |
| “You spend way too much money on groceries.” | “I’d like to save money in our budget, and I think groceries could be the right place.” |
| “I have to spend a lot of time at work to put food on the table.” | “I understand that I often work late and that’s hard on us. I feel it’s important right now with all this uncertainty – especially with the pandemic – because I want to provide for us and find stable ground.” |
Compromise without grasping
Compromise is critical to a healthy relationship. Same goes for your shared budget. You need to find a happy, middle ground, without conceding everything that matters most to you.
Be selective on the items you’re willing to concede and those which you cannot. Dining out might be important to your partner, because it reminds them of your younger, care free days. Many decisions tend to be rooted in psyche and personal history.
If dining out makes them happy and their happiness matters to you, then find another area where you can ask them to cede ground and reallocate some budget.
On the other hand, if your partner is making significant buying decisions on their own – say, a new car or your next vacation – that can be addressed, reduced and ceased. You may want to find the root of their actions. Perhaps you analyze more than your partner feels is reasonable before making a purchase. You could, in this case, share your thought process with them and tell your partner why it’s important to you to conduct such a thorough analysis. You may also agree to do less analysis for certain purchases, like which laptop to get for your kid or the blender to get for your smoothies (real life convos I’ve had with my lady).
Break up, your budget that is
Maybe your partner doesn’t enjoy your suggestions and decisions on how to spend money. In this scenario, it actually might be reasonable to have separate budgets. If no middle ground can be found, then separate budgets could prove wise and even help your relationship. Interested in this approach? Check out what The Balance has to say about combining and separating your finances.
Be honest, ask kindly
Don’t hold back. Honesty in the now will cure your aches and ills in the future. If you can’t be frank about money, then the distrust and blindspots in your budget today will lead to misunderstanding and pain points in your relationship down the road. If you’re not honest, you’ll be resentful, and if you’re resentful your relationship will suffer.
| “A couple that has mutual respect is one that isn’t afraid to put it out there.”
Dr. Fran Walfish via Fatherly
Unapologetic honesty, though, can be a destroyer of trust and empathy. The best way to get what you truly want is typically to ask in a kindly manner. Make a request of your partner. Think about asking: “Can we find a place in the budget to save $200-300 this month?” or “I think there’s a great business opportunity, but it will require a significant investment of time and money. Can we talk about what it will take to make this work?”
By asking or requesting of our partner in a kind way, we’re illustrating the nature of a shared decision – not a matter of you vs. me. We can start by giving them the power to respond yes or no to starting the conversation. I’m confident your partner will say “yes” around 9 out of 10 times. Maybe more.
Seek resolution
You will have to make compromises to get what you want. That’s a cornerstone truth for yourself in your own personal financial decisions. It becomes even more complicated when you involve your partner. You’re in it together. Don’t point fingers. There is no scoreboard. Keeping score will only drive bitterness and resentment. To the points above, be honest to yourself and find common ground for your relationship.
| “The greatest victory is that which requires no battle.”
Sun Tzu, The Art of War
If we enter negotiations in a mindful state and with Sun Tzu’s Art of War words in mind, we can achieve peace before conflict. When facing an enemy on the battlefield, Sun Tzu sought to weaken and force an opponent’s surrender. In marriage, do not try to “win.” Rather, seek to build up your partner and yourself in order to find a common, powerful resolution.
Write it down
Once you and your partner have come to an understanding, draft your next steps together. Seriously, put pen to pad. The tactile, thoughtful and methodical act of writing with ink will help, whether you’re formulating a simple income minus expenses equation, or a more complicated year-long financial course of action.
The other part of writing that’s so important is that your shared document becomes a physical record of your conversation and decision. When you or your partner start to veer off course, you can go back to this document like your personal finance constitution. This goes for the times when you’re spending too much on silly things or even in the case of losing a source of income. This written constitution is the bastion of your union in a financial sense. The shared dream you’ve set for yourselves becomes physical. It will empower you for a lifetime.
Following a good convo you can move forward towards an even greater financial future, together.
